Some thoughts

My husband leaves again on Monday. I am not looking forward to it. I struggle so much when he is gone. Not looking forward to the struggle within myself, with my kids, with handling life issues on my own. Yes, he is only a phone call away, but it is not the same. I want to focus on the good in this situation. But my heart just aches when he is gone. Life has thrown us some curve balls. This is definitely one of them.

I am thankful my husband has a job. I am thankful he is healthy and able to work. I am thankful he has a mind that is full of ideas, dreams and wisdom. I am thankful he loves me. I am thankful he loves our kids. I am thankful he is willing to sacrifice time with his family to work towards providing for our dream. I am thankful for his perspective and outlook on life, our situation, our future. When I want to throw in the towel because we have hit a roadblock, he reminds me that God has a plan in all things.

I struggle right now with God's plan and purpose in this separation. Not fully sure of the good in it. My faith and trust in God has been tested often while walking through this. It has been tested to the point of questioning God's love, concern and care for my family. My kids need their dad as a constant presence in their life. Especially in this time of life; a teen daughter, two preteen boys and a young boy who all need their dad's guidance. I realize God is their ultimate Father, but having their earthly father active in their life is so crucial.

My husband is my dearest and best friend. My confidante. He is the one who "gets" me, understands me, accepts me, encourages me like no one else can. I have felt very alone and stressed to the max with all that is being tossed my way. I do lean heavily upon the arms of Jesus. I stand upon His promises. I believe, although right now it feels pretty weak. I am waiting, (not so patiently) for God to come through on some things. I know He is faithful. I have seen Him move in some awesome ways and bless us in ways only He can. I have seen Him answer prayers that were not even spoken but just a desire in my heart. I have seen Him come through in miraculous ways. I desire to see it again and again and again.

It says in Revelation 12:11 that we will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. I need to overcome some obstacles in my life. I need some victories to be won, battles to be fought on my behalf. I believe there are some things going on in the heavenlies that are holding up my blessing. I believe some battles are being fought for my blessing. God knows my strength remains in Him. He knows the battles are ones I am willing to fight but that I am weary and worn. He knows my heart struggles and discouragements. He knows my mind battles. He knows.... Right now He is choosing to be silent through a lot of this and I am walking blindfolded. But He has my hand. And right now I will cling desperately to His.

My husband and I will make it through. We will cross over the hurdles and maneuver the bumps along the way. We will keep moving forward in pursuing our dreams, believing God is making the way for them to be realized. We will allow His hand to guide us and His arms to hold us. We will trust in His love for us, our marriage, our children. We will continue to call each other often, pray for each other daily and miss each other desperately. We will find creative ways to communicate our love for one another. And one day we will look back on this season and see how God sustained us through each day. We will see the growth in our lives, in our marriage. We will share the testimony and know that the sacrifices were all worth it. I pray it will be soon.

"But they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives so much that they were afraid to die." ~ Rev. 12:11 NET

I am not forgotten.... neither are you.

As the snow is melting and we are gaining daylight, my desire for spring is becoming more prevalent. I feel more lax about getting the kids to bed on time, having them do their homework, getting them to complete their chores. I just want to play and enjoy the sunshine. The sun is definitely something we Alaskans really appreciate. I love how the sky is so blue and the clouds are light whisps of white, floating in the sky. I love seeing the tips of the trees turning red, the snow melting and grass peaking through. Soon the grass will be turning green and flowers will be poking up. We will plant our gardens, plan our fishing and camping trips, stay out way past our adult bedtimes.

On the home front, my family and I will be pulling tree stumps, prepping our land to drill the well, put in the sewer and prep for a concrete pad for the foundation. Our home will start becoming a reality. It has been a long time coming. As a young girl I played house. I dreamed of having a husband, kids and a house that was full of memories. I had a best friend in high school who schemed and dreamed with me about living next to each other and raising our kids together. Unfortunately life circumstances thwarted our plan. But we both are blessed with amazing husbands and kids and keep up with each other through Facebook.

I dreamed of marrying my prince on a white horse.  He would whisk me off to a beautiful castle and we would have a brood of little towheads running around. I did get my prince. He whisked me away in a U-haul and we have been going ever since. He has blessed me with two towheads and two brunettes. We have lived in 6 different states, 8 different cities/towns and 9 different houses/apartments. (And no, he is not in the military) We have dreamed and planned for 15 years. Plans have been drawn, budgets have been figured out and lots of talking has been done. But God held things back for a long while.

I still hold my breathe sometimes, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am not being pessimistic. I believe God for the impossible. He has done some amazing and incredible things in my life. I hold on to those things and am encouraged. I am determined to look forward and continue to hold out hope for the future. It's not easy..... There are days when I have had enough of being a "single mom" and I am so very ready for my husband to come home. I want to hang up the towel, find a place to rent and be together as a family. I get tired of shouldering the responsibilities of running my kids to practices, youth group, packing their lunches, doing their laundry, making dinner. I fall in to bed at night weary; physically, emotionally and mentally. I am referee, nurse, counselor, chef, laundress, teacher, mediator, and the list goes on.

I continuously pray for strength, wisdom, joy and grace. God is my Rock, my Fortress, my Best Friend. I lean on Him for what I need day by day. I take each day at a time, plow through my responsibilities and crash in the evenings, thankful for another day. Sometimes I let it all go and cry, allowing my Father to hold my hand and kiss my brow. His word is a lifeline that I cling to.

I share all this to say, in the end I know it will be worth it. I know that my dreams will be realized, not just with our home, but in our ministry, with our music, for my kids. Sometimes we carry our dreams around for a long time. I have, I am. The enemy has tried continuously to steal the dreams away. I have been knocked down. But with God's grace, I have gotten back up and stood. At times, that is all I could do. But than I found the strength to take a step and than another and another. As I did this, I felt God's strength to continue on.

Sometimes all we can do is stand. But than He gives us the strength to take that first step, than another and another. I encourage you today to stand. Find a scripture that speaks to your heart. Allow God to minister to your soul through His word. Than take that first step. Believe God is going to heal your body. Believe your son will be delivered and live for the Lord. Believe your daughter will walk away from that abusive relationship. Believe for your husband's salvation, your parent's healing, your child's deliverance. Believe God will provide for that business you want to start. Believe God will open the doors for you to continue your education.  Believe that desire deep down inside, that dream that you have had since childhood will be realized. God hasn't given up, nor has He forgotten. He doesn't want you to either.

Just sharing...

Crazy life... that's what I have right now. I guess it's just the season I am in. I wonder often what God is doing behind the scenes because I don't really get it all. But do we ever? Life is so interesting. We have good days and bad days. We have times of rest and times of busyness. I think of the verse in Ecclesiastes 3:1 that says "For everything there is an appointed time, and an appropriate time for every activity on the earth...." (ESV)

My time right now is spent investing in my kids and our future plans of a house. This has been more of a sacrifice than I really realized it would be. I daily turn to the Lord and often cry out to Him as I am in my truck driving down the road. My husband and I are making a sacrifice with being apart for long stretches at a time as he works in the bush. I have not been doing ministry like I love and am used to and it feels weird. But it's just where I am and I am learning to walk in it and go with the flow. I am needing God to be so much in my life and I know He is capable because of who He is. I tend to want to know the outcome of things and reason away at why things happen. I need to break away from this and TRUST.

I know as our house is being built things will make more sense. As my kids grow into capable and confident young adults I will be thankful for this time. As I lean more on Him I will become stronger and have a deeper knowledge of who He is. There is always sacrifice to be made if you want to get to where you've never been before. You have to live like no one else so that later, you can live like no one else. (Dave Ramsey) So, I am living right now differently than I would like in some regards but I have to look to the future and be thankful for this time of craziness. I love my kids, I love my husband and I love my Jesus who will never leave me or forsake me, no matter how I feel, where I am or what I am doing. That's just who He is and for that I am grateful.

God's wrestling match

A week ago, I had the privilege of watching one of my sons wrestle at a state tournament. The tournament consisted of two long days of patiently waiting to see my son wrestle for 6 minutes each match. He wrestled hard and was up against some heavy hitters for his weight class. Unfortunately he didn't place, but he did quite well in my book. Especially since this was his first year. Needless to say, I am proud of him and I have been bitten by the wrestling mom bug. My husband finds this quite humorous.

As I watched these young men and women wrestle this weekend, I couldn't help but think about the story intone bible of Jacob's wrestling match. (Genesis 32:24-31)

I always thought it was just a little rough housing, nothing extremely intense. I knew Jacob was some stiff competition and God threw his hip socket out of joint. But after watching these kids wrestle with all their might and strength, seeing them sweat profusely, their faces turning red and even pain etched across their face, it brought a whole new perspective to light with that story.

Jacob's name meant deceiver. We know he lived up to it quite well ; stealing his brothers birthright, tricking his father into giving him the blessing meant for his brother, being dishonest in dealing with his father in law. He had an interesting life of trickery and deceit.

When he wrestled with God, he was preparing to meet his brother Esau. The one he betrayed years ago with the birthright and the blessing. He wasn't too sure that Esau would want to see him. He had the idea that he might even kill him.

I think Jacob was ready for a change in his life. He was ready to be honest and make amends. Yet there were some things God had to deal with in Jacob's heart, hence the wrestling. I'm thinking this wrestling match was pretty intense. Jacob probably had sweat dripping from his face. He probably was in pain and was put in some hard positions. Ones that were not easy to get out of. He was wrestling with the Lord of Lord's and King of King's. The most mighty being in all the earth. And yet God in all His mercy, didn't defeat Jacob with a "pin". Instead He touched his hip socket and caused it to go out of joint. He than blessed Jacob and gave him a new name, Israel. God said, "Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel; for you have struggled with God and with men, and you have prevailed." -Genesis 32:24 NKJ he gave him a name that would be spoken throughout all generations. A name that refers to a nation of people. He gave him a new beginning; one of purpose. A plan for a nation.

There are times that I have felt I am wrestling with God. I can feel the intensity in my heart, the pain of holding on or being put in a position that is uncomfortable, unnatural for my human body. My mind steps in and only makes things worse. I do not want to give up things that I feel are important or let go of dreams I have had. Yet God in His mercy will touch the deep places in my heart and give me the opportunity to let go. He than will minister to the aches and pains received in the fight. He is gracious and kind, loving and forgiving. He reminds me, I am His child and He has a plan, a purpose that is so much greater than even I know or can comprehend.

There is a plan in the wrestling match. It is not necessarily to break us down, it's not even a win/lose situation. It is more of a surrendering and a rest. As I surrender to my creator, He makes things come together in my life. As I obey, He blesses beyond my natural mind. As I let go than I am able to rest. And in the resting, I find peace, joy & strength for my soul.

A different place.

This is the third blog I have started. I have these great ideas in my head, but have a hard time getting them out into words so others will understand what I am trying to say. I have decided to just share my heart.

I am in a different place right now and it is a little hard for me. I think with that comes my inability to express myself like I would like. I always like to share what God is doing in my life. Only I'm not too sure what He is up to in this season. But truth be told, I'm never really sure; just maybe a bit more confident.

My husband is away. He started a new job in October. He has a schedule of 6 weeks on, 2 weeks off. This time he is gone for eight weeks. It's very hard for me. I am weary and ready for him to return. I feel off balance whenever he is away. I struggle with things a little more than normal. I do get to talk with him, which I am extremely thankful for. But I don't get to feel his strong arms around me when I need a hug or hear his wonderful laugh. I don't get to cook a meal for him or get him a glass of water. I miss seeing him interact with our kids on a daily basis and deal with the boy issues that are so over my female head. I miss his warm body next to me at night and yes, even his snoring. I miss him sitting down at the piano and worshipping Jesus with a song. I miss being able to discuss things with him as they happen or soon after the fact. I miss the balance he brings to me on certain situations. Thankfully, I will see him soon. We will reconnect, laugh, sing, snuggle, enjoy our kids, share some good meals and drink a good cup of coffee together. Than it's another 6 weeks. Yuck! I really don't enjoy this. But my husband has a job and for that, I am extremely thankful!

I have also gone to work. It is mostly part time. This is an adjustment as well. My kids are doing okay and realize I am doing this to help with finances for our future home. But it is different and I am tired most of the time. I try to exercise when I can. I try to help my kids with their homework, pick them up when needed and make sure their lunches are packed or at least a sandwich is made. It's been interesting. The work I am doing is not something I love but I do see it as a mission field. I try to share Jesus wherever I am. I see this as an opportunity to show God's love and am thankful for the work and added income towards our goal.

We are living with family. It is a blessing, yet challenging at the same time. I am thankful for the opportunity we have at this time to save money.

We are not involved in ministry full time. This has been an adjustment. It has been a hard one. I am working on enjoying the rest and trusting God with the future He has promised.

Whew! I need help with this season. It is a stretch in so many ways. I want to have the right attitude but find that too often, I fail miserably. I am working on being creative and using different talents God has given me. I am learning to serve in a different capacity with effectiveness. I am learning to continue walking, even when I don't know what is around the next corner. I am learning to hang on to the dreams even though they seem so far away and we are going in what looks like the opposite direction. God hasn't given up on me. I definitely can't give up on Him. His ways are higher.

I know God always has something to teach us as His children. He always has a way to help us grow and move forward in Him. If my life is in His hands like I say and believe it is, than I need to trust. I need to understand that he is doing a good work. Probably more of a work inside me than I really want to admit. I am thankful for the friends who pray for me. I am thankful for my sis who listens and encourages me. I am thankful for my parents who believe in me. I am thankful for my in laws who support me.

We are moving forward even though it doesn't seem like it. We are going in the right direction. We are growing and maturing, which is what Christ calls us to do. Even though this season is awkward and extremely uncomfortable, I choose to allow Christ to have His perfect way in my life. I may get in the way at times, but He loves me enough to gently remind me of His perfect plan. Christ in me the hope of glory. May Christ shine in me and be my hope always. He is the glory and lifter of my head.

Just let go

I always like to write and share about things God is doing in my life. A repeated theme for me seems to be trust. I am not really sure why I have such major trust issues. Maybe it is because I feel like God just can't know better than me about how my life should go. But we all know how very wrong that attitude is.

This past weekend I attended a ladies retreat put on by our church. We were surrounded by majestic mountains, towering trees and lots of beautiful, white crisp snow. It was a winter wonderland. The weekend was packed with the word, worship, fellowship, prayer and lots of ministry. There were also some great times of laughter, new friendships formed and stronger bonds made between those we already knew. It was a peaceful, restful, fun, and sweet time with fellow believers.

In the midst of all the fun, I took some time to sit before the Lord and listen, really listen. I get so busy with my kids, my work, church things, etc. that sometimes I forget to listen. And oh how I need to just listen to the Lord and what He is speaking to me. His ways are so much better than mine.

He reminded me throughout this time that He knows, He sees, He cares. He is in my corner and He has my back. He sees my dreams and they DO matter to Him. He gave me my dreams, my passions, my gifts, talents, abilities. He even gave me my struggles and has allowed the pain, frustrations, heartaches, disappointments. He also reminded me that through it all, HE IS FAITHFUL!!!! I just need to trust. I need to continue to believe, to not lose heart, to keep my heart and my mind fixed upon Him.

I am so glad I serve a God who loves and is so completely patient with His creation. He is amazing!

He has given each one of us dreams, desires, things we are passionate about. He created us for so much more than we give Him credit for or allow to be used for. My prayer for you is to let go and let HIM be the amazing and faithful God He desires to be in your life. Trust Him to do what He has spoken to your heart. Trust Him to make a way where there seems to be no way. Trust Him to provide in miraculous and supernatural ways. Nothing is too big, too small, too insignificant for our God to do. He has not forgotten. He created you to BE and to LIVE for HIM. I mean really live. Not just get up every day and go through your routine. But LIVE life to the fullest in HIM. Allow Him to take you off your normal path. Allow Him to put you in situations that are uncomfortable, trusting He will give you wisdom through it all. Allow Him to have His way. He really does have our absolute best in mind. I pray you will give it ALL to Him and allow Him to help your dreams be realized.

I am utterly and completely in love with my Savior. He is utterly and completely in love with us!

Blessed beyond measure

Blog post 9/5/11

Today I am sitting by a nice fire, enjoying the warmth. The leaves have turned and are falling outside. My boys are playing xbox in the other room. Everyone else is out working or running errands. It is quiet, peaceful and comfortable. I am enjoying the moment of solitude. They seem to be few and far between, more than I like.

A few months ago I was by a pool, soaking up some sun and reading a good book. I was also wondering what in the world we were going to do and how God was going to bring things together. Amazing how life can change so drastically in a small amount of time.

Our family has gone from the hot desert of Arizona to the bustling city of Seattle on to the wild beauty of Alaska. All in a month and a half. I wasn't too sure about coming back to Alaska. I loved the warmth of Arizona, the sun shining everyday, the breathtaking sunsets. I loved seeing the stars on a summer night, swimming more than just in summertime and wearing flip-flops or sandals all year long. I found beauty in the desert.

But God had other plans, as He usually does. Through a series of events God brought us back to Alaska. I cried, I yelled and I fought with God when I knew this was His plan. I felt like Jacob when he wrestled with the Lord. I wrestled with God, all the while knowing that whatever He was doing was for my good.

Sometimes God has plans that make no sense, or go against our comfort zone. He doesn't care about our comfort, just our obedience.

I decided before our drive to Alaska that I was going to make the most of it. I haven't always done good at that. But I am determined to enjoy and get the most out of life no matter where I am. I know we are supposed to be here. I know God brought us back here for our good. He knows the plans He has for us.... He wants us to be successful and blessed. Some things don't make sense, but they don't have to. I am choosing once again to trust.

I am in awe of God's beautiful handiwork as we drive down the road. The mountains stand at attention, their peaks waiting for the first snowfall. The trees dance in the wind, dressed in colors of gold, brown and green. The lakes reflect the terrain around them like a mirror. The skies change from brilliant blues to smokey grays with tufts of white clouds floating here and there. Alaska is a beautiful place. The most beautiful place I have ever seen. I have travelled all over the world to some amazing places. Yet Alaska still takes my breathe away.

I am thankful for the change. Thankful that God loves me enough that He will move beyond me, to get me where I need to be. I am thankful He has His best for me in His plan. I am thankful for the love and care He has for me and my family. I am thankful for His kindness. I am thankful for fellowship and friends that are friends no matter what. I am blessed beyond measure.