Today....

Today has not been a good day for me. I don't know why. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, I am breathing. I was able to get up this morning and attend church. I even got to see some family that is in town visiting. But my heart is heavy. I am not sure if it is because of the season I am in and learning to be content. Maybe it is because I am tired after just 5 hours of sleep. Maybe it is hormonal,( you know us women :).

I was looking through some old pictures today of a few years ago and remembering our life than. It was good. We had a beautiful home, a thriving business, my kids were healthy, my husband and I were leading worship together at a growing church. I was also busy finishing my bachelors degree in music performance. Our lives were busy, full and blessed. And than, things changed. One by one God began allowing things to be taken from my life. We lost our business, our home and decided to step down from ministry. Thankfully I still had my kids and husband. But honestly, I felt like Job. It was probably one of the darkest times in my life.

Eventually we started getting back on our feet. We moved into town, closer to the University I was attending, my husband got a good job with a friend and my kids got adjusted to living in a duplex. It seemed to be working out. Inside I was so wounded, angry and frustrated with God. I really thought he had left me and my family to fend for ourselves. But deep down in my heart I knew God was with me through it all.

I learned to daily lean on Him. To truly take each day at a time and to let Him be my daily bread; my living word. I had to trust that He would supply my need for that moment. It's a hard thing to walk through, especially in the society we live in. Trusting God is not popular, easy or something "everyone wants to do." Even in the Body of Christ. It was a hard lesson and one I continue to struggle with. But I look back and see God's faithfulness. I see His mercy and His grace. I see that even though my dreams and desires have been put on hold, they are not being denied. It is just a process. Really that is what life is, a process.

Ten months ago my family and I moved to the lower forty eight from Alaska. We drove all the way from Fairbanks, Alaska through Canada and into Washington state. It was a step of faith we took, believing God all the way. The drive was amazing. We drove through the Alaskan and Canadian Wilderness. We passed through mountains with windy roads, tall trees and huge lakes. We saw black bears, eagles, moose, lynx. It was lots of driving, along with lots of prayer and listening to worship music. It was a memorable time in all of our lives. I marked that drive as a new chapter in my life. A break from the old and beginning the new. A new season.

Once in Washington, we settled down and got adjusted to the change in our life. We moved into an apartment, my husband found a job, the kids got adjusted in school. We made new friends, new memories and experienced new adventures. Some things are still the same. But I know underneath it all God is working all things together for my good. I know He will make a way where there seems to be no way and He will give me the desires of my heart; for ministry, for my family and even those deep things that mean so much to me, only He knows.

I will continue to move forward and remember the "memorials" from the past, trusting God through it all. Maybe I just needed to share my story to give someone else hope. The trial doesn't last forever. It is only a season. My living through the trial is my testimony. My testimony that speaks volumes to others who are going through.

So, I will push through the "funk" I am in and enjoy the day God has given me to live. I will enjoy my kids stories and watch them run and play. I will laugh at my husband's silly jokes and listen to his encouraging words. I will be thankful for the ability to walk, run, see and hear. I will lift my hands and worship the One who created me and gave me this life to live. And I will remember, but most of all I will look forward and believe God's best for my life.