The brush fire in my heart

The Wolff family has been working pretty hard lately clearing our property. We have an acre and a half full of trees and brush. What once was wild and full of weeds, dead trees and leaves is now becoming a beautiful place. I am loving the transformation, although the work involved has been brutal. Lots of mosquito bites, scratched up legs and allergy flare ups. But its all been worth it. It has been so good for my kids to see the benefits of hard work and has given them an opportunity or two to learn about team work.

As we have been clearing, we have had a brush fire going. At times this fire has been burning slow and even. It has had big flames or no flames at all but big billows of smoke. I have observed that fire and compared it to the fire I have in my heart for the Lord.

Sometimes my heart burns hot and fiercely for the Lord. The flames are big and blatant for all to see. God is moving in a powerful way and all I can do is allow Him to burn off the "weeds, dead leaves and rotten stumps." Other times the fire is just embers. They aren't big, but burn steady and even. God is working through the daily episodes of life, teaching me to love Him no matter what, that He is still God and is a steady source of stability. He is faithful and true. The embers are still burning things away and my heart still longs for Him. It is an even, steady, stable fire that isn't burning bright, but is burning just the same. The impact isn't so obvious but I still feel the results. Than there is the smoke. It gets in my eyes, makes me cough and I have to move to see or even breathe. It surrounds me and makes me feel uncomfortable. But it is still doing its work deep inside. I have to move to a different place to see, or even breathe again. God makes me uncomfortable in a different way, helping me to see things from a different perspective. A perspective I might not have noticed otherwise. Sometimes the shift is fast and I have to change my perspective again.

Than we have the fire that is good for roasting hotdogs or marshmallows for s'mores. It brings family and friends together. Making lasting memories. It brings us closer to those that matter most in our lives through laughter and good conversation. It opens our hearts to new ideas, thoughts, dreams even. This fire is one of comfort, warmth, good feelings.

Every fire needs to be monitored and kept contained for it to be effective in a healthy way.  It's the same for the fire we have in our hearts for the Lord. At times, it will be big, bright, hot. It may be close to losing control but as we monitor the fire, it stays contained and doesn't hurt anyone in the process. Our fire for Him may be embers, burning steady and slow. We may need to stir it up a little to keep it going. It shows itself in gentle ways. It is strength for someone else; a scripture shared, a kind word delivered. Maybe it is even one word from the Lord to our own hearts.

Our God is a consuming fire. (Heb 12:29) He strongly and urgently burns in our hearts through different stages in our walk with Him. I want my love for Him to grow and burn with a consistency that impacts those around me on a daily basis. I want my husband, my children, my friends to see and feel the love I have for my Savior. That is my hearts desire. No matter what stage the fire burns in my heart, I want it to do it's work in me so I can be a benefit for His kingdom.

God's promise through the flood

We have had a lot of rain lately. And I mean a lot! Some areas where I live actually experienced flooding. It has been a crazy, wet summer/fall. After a while all the rain gets to you. Today was one of those days for me. I woke up thinking "okay Lord what have you got in store for me today?' I went about my normal routine... make sure older ones are up for school, get them out the door, fix a cup of coffee, wake up my youngest, strongly encourage him to get ready for his day, take him to school, eat breakfast, drive to gym, get a workout in, run errands, etc. Exciting life, I know....
But as I was out today in the rain, I thought, "you know, there is blessing in the rain." I walked to my car and allowed the rain to wash away all the dirt from my mind; the bad attitudes, worry, doubt, etc. I thought of how the rain brings cleansing to the earth. It brings sustenance and growth. It replenishes our water supply. Sometimes at the end of the storm, God gives us a rainbow.  It is a promise of things to come. As well as a reminder of things God has done in the past. We need the rain, without it we experience drought and dryness.
I realize too much rain is not necessarily good as it results in flooding and causes destruction. I have never experienced a flood first hand. I have seen a river that is rushing because of an abundance of rain. It is fast and dangerous. It can cause erosion. It can be scary. But I kind of wonder if it is almost necessary at times.
Bear with me as I explain. In the Old Testament God told Noah to build an ark, that He was going to flood the earth. Noah had to choose whether or not he was going to obey God. He chose to build the ark even in the face of ridicule and mockery. This was a choice he had to make daily as he built the ark. It was not a day, weekend or month long project. It took him quite a while to build the ark. A long while...... It is possible it took him almost 100 years. (Gen 5:32, Gen 6:14-21) Now that is a test in hearing from the Lord and staying focused in the midst of trial and tribulation!
The rain came. It rained and rained and rained. Forty days and forty nights to be specific. (Gen 7:12) Than the waters remained on the earth 150 days. (Gen 7:24) But than the waters started to recede. Eventually the waters receded enough that Noah and his family could get off the ark and basically start a new life. That's what God does..... sometimes he has to come in and flood our lives to begin something new.
When Hurricane Katrina came through New Orleans, it caused a lot of flooding and destroyed the area. After the storm, people came in and started to rebuild, begin anew, even make things better in some places.
God brings the rain, he allows the flooding to take place in our lives. Sometimes we feel we are safe in the ark, knowing God is carrying us through and protecting us. Other times we might feel we are in the midst of the flood, drowning in our circumstances with no help in sight. But if we just hold on, God has a plan. He has a purpose in the flood. He has a purpose in the overabundance of rain. He has a promise in the rainbow.
I am so thankful for the promise of the rainbow. It is a wonderful example of God's amazing grace and love for His creation. It is an example of new beginnings.

Choosing to gratefully receive

"I'm convinced God often wraps difficult gifts in His grace- and than uses them to display His glory. We are the ones who truly benefit when we choose to gratefully receive them." ~ Jennifer Rothschild

I came across this quote the other day. It was from a bible study I did over a year ago. It spoke to my heart the other day  as much as it spoke to my heart over a year ago. 

A lot of times we think of gifts as things we wished for, hoped for, hinted at, etc. They are things we anticipated and really wanted. It may be a new purse, a piece of exquisite jewelry, a favorite book or movie, a power tool you just can't live without, a gift card to your favorite store or maybe money towards something your heart desires. There are times we receive something that is not what we wanted or even like. Those are the gifts that we graciously accept and hope we can find a use for. 

God gives us gifts daily. It says in Psalms 68:19 that He daily loads us with benefits. It is our choice whether we acknowledge them or not. If He has allowed us to live another day, than He's got something for us. And whatever it is, it's good. 

I am learning that the gifts God gives me are not always easy to receive. They aren't always packaged in pretty wrapping with a beautiful bow. Sometimes they come in the form of loneliness, heartache and pain. Sometimes His gifts are messy or ugly. Sometimes His gifts don't make any sense whatsoever and we wonder if we are crazy. 

I keep a journal and try to write in it often. As I look back on things that have happened in my life over the past year, I can see God's hand. I can see His amazing gift of grace. I can see His strength. I can see His love and mercy. I can see how He reminded me in His word of His promises, how He spoke to me through His servants. At the time I had no idea what God was doing or even why He was doing whatever it was that He was doing. I think He is giving me a gift of trusting in Him. I haven't fully "gotten" it. That is one of those daily gifts I am being given. 

My prayer is that He is glorified in my life. Whatever comes my way, I do want God to be lifted up. I want Him to shine through me. I want my kids to be able to see me as a woman who loves the Lord, has a strong, unwavering faith and is committed to her family no matter what. I want my husband to see me as a woman who is faithful and committed to him and our kids, a woman who is strong in her faith and a support, a jewel in his life. I want my friends and family to see me as someone who will hang on to Jesus no matter what and persevere through come what may. 

I don't have it all together. (Boy, do I wish I did! But where would the adventure be in that?)

 I want to gratefully receive the gifts God gives me no matter what packaging they come in. My heart is to be open to His plan and purpose. My desire is to go with His flow for my life. I need to lay down my pride, my fears, my insecurities, my doubts and just let go. I need to stop holding on to that tattered and scarred dream and allow God to give me a new one. One that is fresh and full of His spirit. 

"Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I hope in Him!'" ~ Lamentations 3:22-24 

Some thoughts

My husband leaves again on Monday. I am not looking forward to it. I struggle so much when he is gone. Not looking forward to the struggle within myself, with my kids, with handling life issues on my own. Yes, he is only a phone call away, but it is not the same. I want to focus on the good in this situation. But my heart just aches when he is gone. Life has thrown us some curve balls. This is definitely one of them.

I am thankful my husband has a job. I am thankful he is healthy and able to work. I am thankful he has a mind that is full of ideas, dreams and wisdom. I am thankful he loves me. I am thankful he loves our kids. I am thankful he is willing to sacrifice time with his family to work towards providing for our dream. I am thankful for his perspective and outlook on life, our situation, our future. When I want to throw in the towel because we have hit a roadblock, he reminds me that God has a plan in all things.

I struggle right now with God's plan and purpose in this separation. Not fully sure of the good in it. My faith and trust in God has been tested often while walking through this. It has been tested to the point of questioning God's love, concern and care for my family. My kids need their dad as a constant presence in their life. Especially in this time of life; a teen daughter, two preteen boys and a young boy who all need their dad's guidance. I realize God is their ultimate Father, but having their earthly father active in their life is so crucial.

My husband is my dearest and best friend. My confidante. He is the one who "gets" me, understands me, accepts me, encourages me like no one else can. I have felt very alone and stressed to the max with all that is being tossed my way. I do lean heavily upon the arms of Jesus. I stand upon His promises. I believe, although right now it feels pretty weak. I am waiting, (not so patiently) for God to come through on some things. I know He is faithful. I have seen Him move in some awesome ways and bless us in ways only He can. I have seen Him answer prayers that were not even spoken but just a desire in my heart. I have seen Him come through in miraculous ways. I desire to see it again and again and again.

It says in Revelation 12:11 that we will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. I need to overcome some obstacles in my life. I need some victories to be won, battles to be fought on my behalf. I believe there are some things going on in the heavenlies that are holding up my blessing. I believe some battles are being fought for my blessing. God knows my strength remains in Him. He knows the battles are ones I am willing to fight but that I am weary and worn. He knows my heart struggles and discouragements. He knows my mind battles. He knows.... Right now He is choosing to be silent through a lot of this and I am walking blindfolded. But He has my hand. And right now I will cling desperately to His.

My husband and I will make it through. We will cross over the hurdles and maneuver the bumps along the way. We will keep moving forward in pursuing our dreams, believing God is making the way for them to be realized. We will allow His hand to guide us and His arms to hold us. We will trust in His love for us, our marriage, our children. We will continue to call each other often, pray for each other daily and miss each other desperately. We will find creative ways to communicate our love for one another. And one day we will look back on this season and see how God sustained us through each day. We will see the growth in our lives, in our marriage. We will share the testimony and know that the sacrifices were all worth it. I pray it will be soon.

"But they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives so much that they were afraid to die." ~ Rev. 12:11 NET

I am not forgotten.... neither are you.

As the snow is melting and we are gaining daylight, my desire for spring is becoming more prevalent. I feel more lax about getting the kids to bed on time, having them do their homework, getting them to complete their chores. I just want to play and enjoy the sunshine. The sun is definitely something we Alaskans really appreciate. I love how the sky is so blue and the clouds are light whisps of white, floating in the sky. I love seeing the tips of the trees turning red, the snow melting and grass peaking through. Soon the grass will be turning green and flowers will be poking up. We will plant our gardens, plan our fishing and camping trips, stay out way past our adult bedtimes.

On the home front, my family and I will be pulling tree stumps, prepping our land to drill the well, put in the sewer and prep for a concrete pad for the foundation. Our home will start becoming a reality. It has been a long time coming. As a young girl I played house. I dreamed of having a husband, kids and a house that was full of memories. I had a best friend in high school who schemed and dreamed with me about living next to each other and raising our kids together. Unfortunately life circumstances thwarted our plan. But we both are blessed with amazing husbands and kids and keep up with each other through Facebook.

I dreamed of marrying my prince on a white horse.  He would whisk me off to a beautiful castle and we would have a brood of little towheads running around. I did get my prince. He whisked me away in a U-haul and we have been going ever since. He has blessed me with two towheads and two brunettes. We have lived in 6 different states, 8 different cities/towns and 9 different houses/apartments. (And no, he is not in the military) We have dreamed and planned for 15 years. Plans have been drawn, budgets have been figured out and lots of talking has been done. But God held things back for a long while.

I still hold my breathe sometimes, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am not being pessimistic. I believe God for the impossible. He has done some amazing and incredible things in my life. I hold on to those things and am encouraged. I am determined to look forward and continue to hold out hope for the future. It's not easy..... There are days when I have had enough of being a "single mom" and I am so very ready for my husband to come home. I want to hang up the towel, find a place to rent and be together as a family. I get tired of shouldering the responsibilities of running my kids to practices, youth group, packing their lunches, doing their laundry, making dinner. I fall in to bed at night weary; physically, emotionally and mentally. I am referee, nurse, counselor, chef, laundress, teacher, mediator, and the list goes on.

I continuously pray for strength, wisdom, joy and grace. God is my Rock, my Fortress, my Best Friend. I lean on Him for what I need day by day. I take each day at a time, plow through my responsibilities and crash in the evenings, thankful for another day. Sometimes I let it all go and cry, allowing my Father to hold my hand and kiss my brow. His word is a lifeline that I cling to.

I share all this to say, in the end I know it will be worth it. I know that my dreams will be realized, not just with our home, but in our ministry, with our music, for my kids. Sometimes we carry our dreams around for a long time. I have, I am. The enemy has tried continuously to steal the dreams away. I have been knocked down. But with God's grace, I have gotten back up and stood. At times, that is all I could do. But than I found the strength to take a step and than another and another. As I did this, I felt God's strength to continue on.

Sometimes all we can do is stand. But than He gives us the strength to take that first step, than another and another. I encourage you today to stand. Find a scripture that speaks to your heart. Allow God to minister to your soul through His word. Than take that first step. Believe God is going to heal your body. Believe your son will be delivered and live for the Lord. Believe your daughter will walk away from that abusive relationship. Believe for your husband's salvation, your parent's healing, your child's deliverance. Believe God will provide for that business you want to start. Believe God will open the doors for you to continue your education.  Believe that desire deep down inside, that dream that you have had since childhood will be realized. God hasn't given up, nor has He forgotten. He doesn't want you to either.

Just sharing...

Crazy life... that's what I have right now. I guess it's just the season I am in. I wonder often what God is doing behind the scenes because I don't really get it all. But do we ever? Life is so interesting. We have good days and bad days. We have times of rest and times of busyness. I think of the verse in Ecclesiastes 3:1 that says "For everything there is an appointed time, and an appropriate time for every activity on the earth...." (ESV)

My time right now is spent investing in my kids and our future plans of a house. This has been more of a sacrifice than I really realized it would be. I daily turn to the Lord and often cry out to Him as I am in my truck driving down the road. My husband and I are making a sacrifice with being apart for long stretches at a time as he works in the bush. I have not been doing ministry like I love and am used to and it feels weird. But it's just where I am and I am learning to walk in it and go with the flow. I am needing God to be so much in my life and I know He is capable because of who He is. I tend to want to know the outcome of things and reason away at why things happen. I need to break away from this and TRUST.

I know as our house is being built things will make more sense. As my kids grow into capable and confident young adults I will be thankful for this time. As I lean more on Him I will become stronger and have a deeper knowledge of who He is. There is always sacrifice to be made if you want to get to where you've never been before. You have to live like no one else so that later, you can live like no one else. (Dave Ramsey) So, I am living right now differently than I would like in some regards but I have to look to the future and be thankful for this time of craziness. I love my kids, I love my husband and I love my Jesus who will never leave me or forsake me, no matter how I feel, where I am or what I am doing. That's just who He is and for that I am grateful.

God's wrestling match

A week ago, I had the privilege of watching one of my sons wrestle at a state tournament. The tournament consisted of two long days of patiently waiting to see my son wrestle for 6 minutes each match. He wrestled hard and was up against some heavy hitters for his weight class. Unfortunately he didn't place, but he did quite well in my book. Especially since this was his first year. Needless to say, I am proud of him and I have been bitten by the wrestling mom bug. My husband finds this quite humorous.

As I watched these young men and women wrestle this weekend, I couldn't help but think about the story intone bible of Jacob's wrestling match. (Genesis 32:24-31)

I always thought it was just a little rough housing, nothing extremely intense. I knew Jacob was some stiff competition and God threw his hip socket out of joint. But after watching these kids wrestle with all their might and strength, seeing them sweat profusely, their faces turning red and even pain etched across their face, it brought a whole new perspective to light with that story.

Jacob's name meant deceiver. We know he lived up to it quite well ; stealing his brothers birthright, tricking his father into giving him the blessing meant for his brother, being dishonest in dealing with his father in law. He had an interesting life of trickery and deceit.

When he wrestled with God, he was preparing to meet his brother Esau. The one he betrayed years ago with the birthright and the blessing. He wasn't too sure that Esau would want to see him. He had the idea that he might even kill him.

I think Jacob was ready for a change in his life. He was ready to be honest and make amends. Yet there were some things God had to deal with in Jacob's heart, hence the wrestling. I'm thinking this wrestling match was pretty intense. Jacob probably had sweat dripping from his face. He probably was in pain and was put in some hard positions. Ones that were not easy to get out of. He was wrestling with the Lord of Lord's and King of King's. The most mighty being in all the earth. And yet God in all His mercy, didn't defeat Jacob with a "pin". Instead He touched his hip socket and caused it to go out of joint. He than blessed Jacob and gave him a new name, Israel. God said, "Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel; for you have struggled with God and with men, and you have prevailed." -Genesis 32:24 NKJ he gave him a name that would be spoken throughout all generations. A name that refers to a nation of people. He gave him a new beginning; one of purpose. A plan for a nation.

There are times that I have felt I am wrestling with God. I can feel the intensity in my heart, the pain of holding on or being put in a position that is uncomfortable, unnatural for my human body. My mind steps in and only makes things worse. I do not want to give up things that I feel are important or let go of dreams I have had. Yet God in His mercy will touch the deep places in my heart and give me the opportunity to let go. He than will minister to the aches and pains received in the fight. He is gracious and kind, loving and forgiving. He reminds me, I am His child and He has a plan, a purpose that is so much greater than even I know or can comprehend.

There is a plan in the wrestling match. It is not necessarily to break us down, it's not even a win/lose situation. It is more of a surrendering and a rest. As I surrender to my creator, He makes things come together in my life. As I obey, He blesses beyond my natural mind. As I let go than I am able to rest. And in the resting, I find peace, joy & strength for my soul.