My heart....

My heart is so heavy tonight as I write this. There are so many things going through my mind, so many uncertainties in my heart. I am trying to practice what I preach and stay on top of the worry, doubt, etc. But it can be so hard. I want to focus on the things I know for sure. Things like; God loves me, He has good things in store for me and my family. We have a future and a hope. He has given us wisdom and the power to get wealth. He has blessed us with every spiritual blessing. I am the head and not the tail. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is the bread of life. He is my rock and my fortress, he will never allow my foot to slip. He makes my feet like hinds feet, giving me the ability to walk in the rough places of life. He promises to take me through.... and He won't leave me nor forsake me. I realize my mind needs to be renewed daily. I choose life and I choose His word to be alive and active in me.

Once again I feel as if I am in a strange place in my relationship with Him. I so wish I knew what He was up to and what He was doing.....

I know I want to be open to His plan and purpose for my life. I know He loves me. I know I am having to let go. I know my flesh is screaming right now because of some situations and I am having to lay down my wants, wishes and desires. I am not sure where my dreams lie and if they even matter anymore. I still have them but as I grow older, I feel they are slipping away. I've never wanted to give in to that before, but am having a hard time holding on.

In the midst of all of this I want to praise Him. I want to lay it all down at the foot of the cross and let Him have it all. I know God will raise my husband and I up for such a time as this and allow us to fulfill our God given dreams and desires at the appointed time. It's just that I am growing weary in the waiting.

I know I am laying it all out there right now. But it is where I am. So, pray for me..... pray for my family. Pray God's will be done in our lives. Pray we are sensitive to the leading of His Holy Spirit no matter the cost. Pray for unity and singleness of mind and purpose. Pray we will accomplish all God has mapped out for us and that we won't back down. Pray for strength, peace and joy. Thanks!

He will carry you

Almost a month has passed since I have written in my blog. A lot has happened in my life. I turned 40. Yes, the big 4-0!!! I have to say, I'm liking it pretty well. My husband and I celebrated our wedding anniversary of 14 years. So much has happened in our lives in that time that I have to say, it sometimes feels like 24 or more. But I wouldn't trade a minute of it! I signed up as a Pampered Chef consultant, which I am super excited about. I also was in a scooter accident. It was pretty serious and I was flow to a hospital in Phoenix that specialized in neurological cases because they thought it was so severe. During the time of my accident, we also had to give our beautiful, sweet puppy away. Our hearts were so broken. So yeah, a lot has happened and I am taking it all in daily. Some good and some very painful, not just physically but emotionally as well.

The accident has definitely made me slow down a lot and take things very slow. I have realized even more how things in your life can change in an instant. We go along living our lives, expecting things to stay the same and than... BAM! Something major or even something minor can happen and change our circumstances. It can be good or bad as well. Life is not always easy or even good. It can be painful and we get hurt. We lose things, people; we have setbacks, we get ill, we hurt and we cry and we wonder how a good God can allow things to happen like they do. We see world disasters and people killing others they love. We read about war and starvation. We experience an economy that is losing ground and we wonder what next? Does God even care?

I wish so bad that I had answers. But I don't. No one does really. The only answers we can find are in the Word of God. And sometimes reading His word doesn't make sense. But I do know that He promises to never leave me or forsake me. He promises that goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life. He told me He is my Shepherd and I shall not want. He has green pastures for me to lie in and rivers of living water for me to drink from. He has prepared a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. I may walk through the valley of death, but I have nothing to fear. He promises that whatever I place my hands to will prosper. He promises to be my Provider, my Healer, my Rock and my Fortress. He has gone before me to fight my battles and I must stand to see His goodness.

I have to believe and I have to trust. That is what we all must do in this walk of faith. It is not easy. It is hard, it is heartbreaking and it is dirty. It can be exhausting and so overwhelming. BUT GOD is in the midst of my mess and He will come through for me and my family. Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world. God has a future and a hope. He has a plan that is great and life giving. A plan that will rock my world in such a way that I will be able to look back and say, "Thank You God."

We do have an enemy that is out to not only knock us down, but keep us there. The awesome thing is, we don't have to stay down. God is reaching out His righteous right hand and pulling us up to stand upon Him and His word. He has our back. He has gone before us and is making a way where there seems to be no way.

Maybe your life is good and you don't need to know any of this. But I know there are others out there who have been knocked down in some way or another and you are needing some hope and encouragement. I am here today to tell you, "You can make it! God IS for you and His way is perfect. Let Him have it all. He'll do a much better job than you ever could."

God is our ever present help in times of need. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Let Him carry the load.

Great Expectations!

Today I sit here with great expectations. These expectations are ones that no man can fill. They must be laid at the feet of my Master and than I must wait. I feel God is doing some shifting and changing in my view and perception of life. He is a different God in my eyes than the one I accepted into my heart 30 years ago. Back than He was the Savior of a child. One who had yet some life to live, people to meet and things to experience. I realize, He will be different to me in another 30 years. It's not that He is the one who has changed for He never changes but stays the same, yesterday, today and forever. It is me who has changed. God and I have had our ups and downs. We have had our all out, drag out fights (like Jacob), we have had our moments of surrender (like Mary), we have had our moments of strength building & encouragement(like Gideon). I have turned my back on God, only realizing that I can't because He is all around me. I have refused to acknowledge Him in certain situations, once again realizing that it is He who has given me ALL things.

I know the God I serve is merciful. His mercies are new every morning. He gives me strength to walk through each day. He gives me wisdom when faced with challenges that I don't know what to do. He gives me peace in the midst of the storm. He gives me faith and grows that faith daily. I must trust Him, for He is all I have, all I am and all I can give to others needing hope.

My expectation for him is simply, more of Him. I think of the old worship chorus that goes, "I need you more, more than yesterday. I need you more, more than words can say. I need you more than ever before. I need you more, I need you Lord. More than air I breathe, more than song I sing. More than the next heartbeat, more than anything. And Lord as time goes by, I will be by your side. 'Cause I never want to go back, to my old life." That song could be my anthem. I never want to go back to where I was before He was in my life. I never want to go back to where I was with Him in my life even 6 months ago. I want to grow, to move forward and to believe all the things He has promised for my life.

I realize I may need to rethink some dreams. I may need to plan more for the times of hardship. I may need to just let it all go and know that He Is Faithful! God has shown Himself to me time and time again. It is my choice to actually see and follow His guidance. I think of the story in 1 Kings 18:41-46. There has been no rain in the land and Elijah goes up to pray on Mt. Carmel. He tells his servant to go look for a cloud. The servant comes back time 7 times and tells Elijah each time, "There is nothing." Each time Elijah says, "Go again." Then on the 7th time there is a cloud as small as a man's hand, rising out of the sea. And God brings rain to the land.

I need to see the cloud of rain. I may need to go and look again and again. But God keeps reminding me, IT IS THERE! He WILL rain down His showers of blessing in my life to where I am overflowing and can't contain them. He WILL open His floodgates of heaven. He WILL give my husband and I the desires of our hearts and we WILL accomplish much for His kingdom.

I am choosing to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am choosing to see the greatness of God. I am choosing to see the cloud of abundant blessing. I am choosing to see God's faithfulness, His glory and His promises in light of my earthly trials. I am choosing to see and to expect great things from my Lord!

Our foolishness= God's wisdom

"God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and he chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong."1 Corinthians 1:27. NCV

Today as I was starting my day, God brought this verse to my mind. I thought about it for awhile and realized that God uses me in spite of me. Lately my life has been interesting, to say the least. It has been one thing after another and I feel as if I am doing good to hang on. I am just so thankful for God's mercy and His grace. Daily I am trying to keep my head above water and trust God at His word. He has been incredibly faithful to me and my family time and time again. He has blessed us with good health, a lovely home, good friends. He has watched over us and protected us, provided for us and met our needs in unique ways.

I don't want to take Him or anything He has done for granted. And yet, I do. I grumble and complain and cry. I yell at God and question Him often. I get mad at Him and wonder if His word is true. Ugh!

My husband reminded me today that God is not an instant, microwave God. He does things in His time and His way. God loves me I know, but I forget that He loves me enough to put me in circumstances to change me and allow me opportunities to be more like Him. Yes, He wants me to be blessed and to live a joyful, victorious life. But more than anything He wants me to reflect Him. I so desire to move forward, to trust and to have a peace regardless of what my circumstances are.

I don't have things all together and I certainly haven't arrived. But my heart is to be more like Him. 1 Corinthians 1:27 is a reminder to all of us that God can use us if we are willing to be used. He uses us in our brokenness, our weaknesses, our failures. He uses us at times when we are at our lowest.

I'm so glad He does! I may not feel all together spiritually but it's okay. I'm working, growing, changing and getting there. I'm glad God will use me in my foolishness, weakness and at times shame. He is such an amazing God!

God so loved the world, that He gave.... Merry Christmas!

"For a child has been born - for us! the gift of a son - for us! He'll take over the running of the world. His names will be: Amazing Counselor, Strong God, Eternal Father, Prince of Wholeness." Isaiah 9:6 MSG

This has always been one of my favorite "Christmas" verses. I love the hope it gives. I have needed hope lately. This Christmas has been a struggle in some ways, yet a wonderful blessing in others. Funny how an experience in your life can be both a blessing and a struggle. But I guess that is one of life's many mysteries. I realize that hope is one of the best gifts God has given us in His son. It says in Proverbs 13:12, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life." The Message Bible says, "Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can turn life around. " (Prov. 13:12) I have lived that out. I have had my heart broken over something and felt so hopeless in a situation and than something will glimmer in the darkness. God will move in a small way and I will see hope.

We all need hope. Only Jesus can bring us the hope we need.

I am so thankful that He came to give me hope. He was born in a stable, the lowliest of births. He was born among farm animals, in a place that wasn't sterile or safe and it probably smelled. His earthly dad was a carpenter and his mom, a young woman that God chose to bring Life into the world. His background isn't glamorous or grand. His parents were simple, regular people that believed in miracles. His siblings didn't really understand their older brother, might have even thought he was weird. He learned his earthy father's trade while studying the ways of His heavenly father. He knew Who He was and why He came. He knew His purpose. And when the time was right, He stepped into the fulfillment of His calling.

~He became our Amazing Counselor. He came to be our advisor, to lead us and guide us in this life we live. He came to give us wisdom needed, to navigate through the hardships, the struggles, the confusion. He came to live out His Word so that we can follow in His footsteps.

~He became our Strong God. He became our Rock, our Fortress, our Strength. He came to fight our battles for us and to give us victory. He came to be our testimony. We overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. He came to be our Mighty Warrior.

~He came to be our Eternal Father. He is the One who was, who is and who is to come. He is the beginning and the end. The Alpha and the Omega. He knows our end before our beginning. He spoke and the world came to be.

~He came to be our Prince of Wholeness. (I love this one!) In Him, we are whole! He came to complete us. He is not broken or damaged or impaired in any way. When we come to Him with our brokenness, damaged soul and impaired mind He makes us complete. He takes all the "stuff" and makes it perfect.

As you celebrate this blessed holy day with your family, remember that there is so much more to the story than His birth. He came to bring us life eternal. He came so that we could live an abundant life. He came so we could share with others what He has done for us. He came to give us victory, hope, peace, joy!

"This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son....." John 3:16 MSG

Merry Christmas!

Thanksgiving 101

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I love it for several reasons. The first reason being it is a day focused on giving thanks to the One who gave us so much. Another reason I enjoy this day is the opportunity to get together with family and friends. And than of course the menu is usually pretty amazing.

For the past several years, I have put out a basket on our dinning room table called the blessing basket. I strongly encourage my family to write down things they are thankful for each day. I have them do this through the month of November till Thanksgiving. At our family Thanksgiving dinner we read them out loud. I love this tradition and feel it gets my kids to thinking about things they are truly thankful for. I wanted to share some things that were written down in our blessing basket.

Music, my mom, my D.S., oxygen, food, our dog, turkey, my family and food, for my drawing skills and my life, ( I love that one!). Some others were; the world, pie, my brothers, games, people, my house, my friends.

I love my the simple, everyday things my kids wrote down. There are so many things we take for granted. It is different for us all. I think a big thing we all take for granted is the freedom we have in this country. It is a great place to live. As Christians we may take for granted the churches we attend or ministries we receive from. We may take for granted the car we drive, house we live in, our spouse, our job. We may take for granted out kids, our parents, our friends. We may take for granted that we have food in our cupboards and refrigerators, that we have clean running water to drink. We may take for granted the clothes we wear, the furniture we have, the appliances we use daily that make our lives so much easier.

I could get on a soap box and preach a message about being content in all things, but honestly; I'm not totally there yet. I do know what it's like to have much and have pretty much nothing. I have owned a new car, had a beautiful home, had money in the bank and very nice things. Yet I have also had to sit on the floor cause we didn't have chairs and slept on the floor since we didn't have a bed. I have driven a "classic" car, a truck that had a huge dent in the door and a van that had no heater ( in Alaska, mind you.) So I have lived at total opposites of the spectrum. I have been blessed to give above and beyond, as well as been blessed because someone gave to me. It's not easy when you go through a hardship and struggle financially. But I have to say, my God has been faithful and He has provided in ways I thought were impossible.

My husband reminded me tonight that we have walked through these hardships because of where we are going. Does that excite me? Well, it kind of does. I know God has great things for our ministry. We have seen and experienced some of it, are experiencing some now. But yet I know there is so much more God has in store. It will require a mentality that not many people have or want. I didn't ask to go through things we have walked through. But in a way, maybe I did.....

When I rededicated my life to the Lord, I knew there was no turning back and my life would never be the same. When I went to Bible College I knew I would not live a "normal" Christian life. When I married my husband, I knew God had called us to some great things.

Today I took some time to write my own Thanksgiving prayer to my Lord. I thought over this past year and the things we have walked through as a family; unemployment, medical issues, stepping down from ministry, changing churches, having our vehicle taken away, a major move, living in a hotel for a month, kids starting new schools, meeting new people and connecting in a new community. There have been ups and downs. But God has seen us through each one. I read something the other day that hit home for me; the author was talking about the realization of needing others in his life to help him through and how God places people in our lives to help us through. He said "even God needs the help of two mountains to make a valley." Yes, God needs us and we so desperately need Him. I have been angry at Him, I have blamed Him, I have tried to figure Him out. In the midst of all that, I know I can't live without Him, nor do I want to try.

My dear friend, I hope you realize your need in this life for others. I hope you realize that family is a good thing. That God places people in our lives to help us, encourage us, strengthen us and grow us up. I hope you realize that He has a plan and a purpose for ALL things. I hope today, you were able to look back over this year in your life and see His mercy, His grace, His love that is unending and overflowing. I hope you realize that God needs you, just as much as you need Him. Happy Thanksgiving!

Enjoying the busyness of life.

Sometimes it is so easy for me to sit down and write in my blog. Other times.... not so much. Today is one of those days where I have started something only to delete it. I have done this about five times, I think. My mind is full of things to write about, but it is hard to focus and get out one specific topic. So, I will share about my life over the past month.

October was a busy month for us. Actually our life is always busy, so I will rephrase that; it was busier than usual. In the midst of Life groups, hip hop classes, music rehearsals and church services; we also had a community project, family visiting, fall break for the kids, dinners with friends and my husband working overtime. Whew! Makes me tired just writing it! We have been busy, but have made some fun memories in the process.

My in laws came to visit us first. They came down from Alaska and stayed a week. It was fun spending time with them, catching up and enjoying each other's company. They were able to enjoy the grandkids, the sun and some good mexican food. They also helped out with some things around the house as well as a church project we had going on. I love how they step right in and help where ever needed. So thankful for them and their love for me as their daughter (in law).

Our church took a Saturday in October and reached out to our community. We took a street in the city and picked up trash. We had a great turnout. I was so blessed and proud of all involved that took a Saturday morning to help out. It is something small, but is the beginning of some great things we can do for this community. That same evening, our two oldest had a youth event involving both church campuses, lots of food, fun games, a rap group and an NFL player. It was a fun night and a great turnout. Those teens were blessed and encouraged.

My mom than came to visit for a week. It was too short of a visit. I enjoyed every moment and I am so thankful for the time we had together. We took walks in the morning, enjoyed our daily cup of coffee, spent one on one time with my kids and had some good conversations. When she left, I cried. Goes to show, you are never too old to need your mom.

So now, we are in a new month. My calender is filling up with appointments, dinners, projects, etc. We are getting into the holiday season. I will miss being with extended family but will do my best to give my children some sweet memories of their own. I look forward to the days ahead and the holidays we will enjoy. I want to enjoy the season and not get caught up in the hype. I know we will be busy, but will treasure the time with my kids and my husband as we pause to catch our breathe.

I know we all have lots going on. We have jobs to do, projects to get done, laundry to wash, dinners to cook. It really is a never ending process in this life we live. But I hope you will join me in times of rest. I hope you will see God's goodness and love in the little things. I hope that life doesn't get you so bogged down that you collapse in exhaustion at the end of the day wondering; "Where has the time gone?" I hope you will make all the effort needed to fellowship with fellow believers each Sunday. I hope you will take some time to pray, read some scripture, wait before the Lord. Let Him rejuvenate your spirit. I hope you will lift your hands each day in thanks to the One who gave it all. It's really the least we can do to honor Him. The one who gave you this life you live. And if you are feeling down, just know God will pick you up. He will give you joy, peace, strength.

Go out today and live your life thanking Him for each moment. No matter how busy you are....