A realistic view of Psalm 139

I have been struggling with my self image a lot lately. I realize that I am a child of the King and He created me, etc. But lately it has been a hard thing for me to really appreciate those things God has gifted me with and the way He has made me. I have actually struggled with this my whole life and am finally coming to terms with it. It isn't easy.... at all. I have a beautiful daughter that is entering that age of self discovery and where image is everything. I realize I am an example to her in this area. I want to be a healthy example and be her biggest advocate in who God created her to be.

This morning a young man read Psalm 139 at church. I was encouraged by God's truth and convicted by His love. I wanted to share with you what God says in His word. I pray it will encourage you in who God has created you to be.

"God, investigate my life, get all the facts firsthand. I'm an open book to you, even from a distance, you know what I am thinking. You know when I leave and when I get back; I'm never out of your sight."

God knows me better than I know myself. I can't hide anything from Him. Even if I tried, it doesn't work, because He knows it ALL. Kind of scary, yet when I realize that He loves me in spite of my flaws, my mistakes, my sin, it is liberating.

"You know everything I'm going to say before I start the first sentence. I look behind me and you're there, then I look up ahead and you're there, too- your reassuring presence, coming and going. This is too much, too wonderful - I can't take it all in!"

God knows what I am thinking good or bad. He knows what I am going to say even before it comes from my lips. Whether it is life or death in my tongue, He knows..... He is all around me. I can't get away from His presence. I am so thankful for this reassurance and promise I have from Him!

"Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit? to be out of your sight? If I climb to the sky, you're there! If I go underground, you're there! If I flew on morning's wings to the far western horizon, You'd find me in a minute- you're already there waiting! Then I said to myself, 'oh, he even sees me in the dark! At night I'm immersed in the light!' it's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you; night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you. "

There isn't any place I can go to avoid His spirit calling me. I have had times of dryness or loneliness, wondering where God was in my time of pain. Yet He was with me even than. He is with me in the "mountain top" experiences as well as the "valleys". Oh to trust Him more. I am immersed in His light even when things around me are dark, unclear and unsure.

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb."

God knew me from the very beginning. He knew me from conception. While I grew in my mother's womb, He shaped me; my personality, my quirks, my hopes, dreams, desires and than he shaped my body. He destined for me to have light brown hair, blue eyes, be 5'4 and wear a size 8 shoe. He created me to have curly hair and freckles.

"I thank you, High God- you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration- what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body, You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life prepared before even I'd lived one day."

I am so thankful for God and His breathtaking abilities in my life. He created me to worship Him body and soul. To lift my hands. dance, sing, shout, jump. He knows my inner most parts and yet He loves me. He sculpted me with His very own hands to bring glory to His name. He knew who my parents would be and that I would grow up in a small town in Va. He created me to ride my bike, pull weeds in the garden, play with my Barbies & baby dolls, sing to Olivia Newton John and the Bee Gees with a round hair brush. He knew I would love the color yellow and paint my room that color only to grow bored with it a year later. He knew I would have a sister 6 years older than me and that we wouldn't really be close until later in life. He knew that I would be a daddy's girl and later struggle in my relationship with him in my teen years. He knew what friends I would have and who would influence me. He knew the pains and joys I would experience throughout my school years. He knew I would struggle with weight issues my whole life. He knew I would compare myself to others and make poor choices at times. He knew I where I would attend college and who I would marry. He knew I would have 4 kids and move way too many times in my adult life. And yet through it all, God kept me in the palm of His hand and guided me each step of the way.

"Your thoughts- how rare, how beautiful; God, I'll never comprehend them! I couldn't even begin to count them- any more than I could count the sand of the sea. Oh. let me rise in the morning and live always with you! And please, God, do away with wickedness for good! And you murderers-out of here!- all the men and women who belittle you, God, infatuated with cheap god-imitations. See how I hate those who hate you, God, see how I loathe all this godless arrogance; I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred. Your enemies are my enemies!"

Lord how can I live in this world and not be affected by those who hate you and turn their backs on you? It hurts me to see others chose a life of full blown out sin. I pray I can be a light in this darkness and celebrate who You are in my life as a testimony to others.

"Investigate my life, O God, find everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I'm about; See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong- then guide me on the road to eternal life."

I love it God, that You will search me, investigate me, know all there is to know about me and you will guide me down the road of eternal life. I have nothing to fear. You know my heart and all that is in it and are willing to guide me down the right path as long as I am ready and willing. What an incredible God we have an opportunity to serve. It is a choice we each have to make for ourselves. I know my life has been so much better walking in His grace and love. I could have a life full of darkness, sin, anger, hatred. But I choose long ago that I needed a Savior. I am not perfect by any means. Daily I call upon Him to give me wisdom, to order my steps, to guide me. I want to know in my heart of hearts and walk in the confidence of God daily. I want others to know what I have walked through and know that God has been with me each step of the way;the good, the bad, the ugly. I realize I have a lot more growing to do in my relationship with Him. In that, I want to know and believe what His word says about me, His daughter. God isn't obsessed about my dress size, my current hairstyle or wardrobe. He isn't put off by the kind of car I drive, what part of town I live in or if I have a job at a particular place. No, all that matters to God is my relationship with Him and His relationship with me. Everything else will fade away, including my dress size. ;)

Our pool experience.

About a week ago my husband and I splurged and bought a pool for our family. My husband found a great deal, we had been looking for one and we snatched it up. We ordered it online and kept it a secret from our kids. We were so excited! Daily we were checking our email to see if it had shipped yet, when it had shipped, estimated time it would be here, where it was, etc. We would talk in veiled terms if the kids were in the room and give each other knowing grins. All we told the kids was that we had a surprise for them and would receive it soon.

Yesterday our "package" arrived. I hid it in the garage and told the kids when they got home they couldn't go out there. I gave some lame excuse and thankfully they were okay with it. My husband came home early from work and worked a little on our yard out back, leveling off the area the pool would go. It was hot and we were sweating, but we didn't care. This was for our kids and we were excited to get started!

Since we had worship rehearsal last night we weren't able to set the pool up until after we got home, which was around 10pm. My husband and I are both night owls by nature so we were okay with this for the first hour or so. But getting up at 6am catches up with you pretty quick. Still we forged ahead and were determined to see the project complete.

We got the tarp laid out and set the pool on top. We than had to inflate the ring around the top. So my husband got his air compressor only to find that it wouldn't work. I dug around in the garage for our air mattress pump, found it, but couldn't use that because the batteries were dead. Unfortunately we didn't have any extra D batteries lying around. (Who does?, No, really) Still, we were not to be deterred. We both took turns blowing up the ring ourselves. Yes, we used the breath God gave us to blow up a very BIG ring at the top of the pool. I guess it's a good thing we sing because I was able to take some REALLY deep breaths. I kind of wish we would have recorded us setting this up, I know it was hilarious.

During all of this my kids are sound asleep, we are trying to be as quiet as we can outside so we don't disturb our neighbors and we are trying not to pass out. We were finally able to fill the pool with water, which was going to take about 4 hours. This would put us to bed at 2:30 am with both of us getting up just 4 hours later. Still, we pushed through the tiredness and frustration to have it ready in the morning so the kids could see it before school.

As we were going through this whole process I had a "revelation." My husband and I wanted to bless our kids and surprise them with something we knew they would enjoy so much. We couldn't wait to see their faces and looks of surprise at what we had done for them. My kids would not know what we had gone through to set it up. They wouldn't know about the late night, loss of sleep, blowing the ring up by hand, no batteries, etc. All they would know was that mom and dad surprised us and "I can't wait to get home from school so I can swim."

God does stuff for us that is such a blessing and so incredible and yet we have no idea what He had to do to bless us. We have no clue the things He had to rearrange, move out of the way, reroute to get us to a place of blessing. He is always working on our behalf, even when we are sleeping and yet we have no clue. We have no idea what He gave up to give us the best and greatest blessing of all.... eternal life. We may have a glimpse of the pain and agony He experienced, but to fully know? I don't think so.

God's love for us far surpasses any love we have ever felt. His love brings us back again and again. His love leads us, surrounds us, encompasses our very being. I love my kids so much and yet to realize God loves me, them, us so much more is mind blowing. And just like we want to bless our kids; will sometimes make great sacrifices for them, will stay up late for them, will protect and provide for them, will accept them for who they are..... God does it for us even more. Oh, how He truly... deeply.... madly.... incredibly.... loves us.

Amazing God!

God is amazing! He truly is. And I hate to admit it, but I don't always see how amazing He really is. The thing is, God will amaze me in different ways than He will amaze you. Why? Because we are all unique and individual in our ideas, thoughts and ways to be amazed.

I am a pretty simple person, grew up in a small town, have mostly lived in small towns, so I am amazed by pretty much anything..... Well ok, maybe not anything, but I think you get my point.

The other day, my husband and I went to buy a dining room table. Pretty uneventful task. We had some coupons we were hoping to use so we didn't have to pay full price, we had saved up our money and were prepared to finagle if need be. We found out once we got there, that we could only use one of the coupons. But my husband found an old sticker on the table that was $50.00 cheaper than the original price. So we pointed that out, used one of our coupons and went home. We went to put the table together and a huge corner piece had broken off. So, we called the store, took it back and they proceeded to give us another 5 % off. We actually paid less total than using the other two coupons we had and we still have those to use! See! Isn't God amazing???

Today we woke up to a rain storm. My kids were in heaven; outside running around barefoot, jumping in puddles. Then my boys decided to go in our back yard, which is dirt and have a mud fight. I stood safely inside, looking out the window and watched as they laughed, ran, jumped in a huge mud puddle and literally covered themselves with mud. It was so fun to see them have a wonderful time, making a fun memory. To me another of God's amazing gifts.

Tonight we had the opportunity to have some new friends over. I spent my afternoon cooking, cleaning and enjoying the preparation of having company. I was so thankful for my kitchen and space that I now have to entertain friends and host gatherings. I didn't realize how much I missed all that until later. I was again amazed at God's goodness for blessing us with a beautiful home to enjoy and a safe neighborhood to live in.

I look at my sweet kids and am amazed at how they are growing and becoming such interesting and unique people. I watched my oldest son tonight as he talked and interacted with the adults. I loved his facial features and the look in his eyes as he got excited about a story he was telling. I am amazed at how my daughter is able to befriend anyone and make them feel special. I am amazed at how my middle son is growing and learning to be a young man. And I am amazed at my youngest son's love for me. I love how he will come in from outside and be hot, sweaty and breathing hard but he will come and give me a hug or a kiss, just to let me know he loves me. An amazing reminder of God's love for me. :)

My husband amazes me with his music abilities. Just tonight he sat down and played the keyboard, working through some music for Sunday. Our home was filled with a sweet presence and peace. God came in and ministered to my heart.

God amazes me in a million ways! He amazes me with His love and His goodness. He amazes me with His faithfulness, His grace. He amazes me with His word. He amazes me in that He knows me, created me, sees the deepest parts of me and yet....He loves me still. He amazes me with His patience, His provision. He is incredible and mind blowing and super. He sees me in my struggles, knows my strengths and pushes me towards discovering them myself.

God has given me an amazing life. I don't always appreciate it or see it. But He really has. He has given me opportunities that I couldn't have experienced on my own. He has opened doors for me that are mind-blowing. He has allowed me to travel all over the world, meet some awesome people, minister in some rough places and yet see the glory of His presence. He allowed me to attend a Spirit led Bible college and learn first hand the reality of living a faith filled life. He has blessed me with an incredible husband who loves God, me and our sweet children. He has given me four amazing kids that constantly teach me about the Father's love. He has allowed me to live in some of the most beautiful places in the world; from the Blue Ridge mountains of Va., to Kodiak Island Ak. From the majestic mountain ranges of interior Alaska to the bustling city of Seattle and than the beautiful, vast landscape of the desert. I don't always "get" the plan of God. But I am open to His way. I am willing for Him to amaze me, blow my mind and bless my socks off! Even if it is in ways that seem impossible or make no sense.

I choose to trust, to stand and to be amazed in His presence.

"Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him. How I've proved Him o'er and o'er. Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus. oh for grace to trust Him more....."

The move

It has been a while since I have posted anything on here. I have a good reason though.... we moved into our new place. I have to say, I am loving it! It is such a blessing to spread out, hang your clothes in the closet, hang pictures up on the wall, drink from your own glasses, eat off of your own plates and sleep in your own bed! It's the little things that make me happy, really.

Daily I am unpacking boxes, rearranging things, making room for other things I feel are important and deciding if I should get rid of things we don't use as often. I have found old baby pictures of the kids and am enjoying the memories they have stirred in my heart. I am enjoying setting up my home and filling it with pictures, decor, furniture that makes our house a home. We had been living out of our suitcases for awhile, so I REALLY appreciate being able to settle down and not have wrinkly (is that even a word?) clothes. :)

In the process of all of this, I have been dealing with things I thought had been dealt with, forgiven, healed. It is hard when God decides to bring something before you that you really thought you had dealt with. (Ugh! Will I ever arrive???)

I realize that God wants to take away some of those "things" I have been carting around with each "move" I have made. Those things that I had packed away in a box and forgotten about. I think God in his mercy gave me a break from dealing with the envy, insecurities, wrong attitudes, misperceptions, etc. that must be laid out on the table, so I can move forward. So that I can enjoy the destination.

Now, here I am with a "box" or two full of these emotions I thought I had control over. And I think, "Lord what do you want me to do?" I am not sure I want to face all of this..... again. That means I have to feel and remember things that hurt or worse, confront who I really am.

It all goes back to trusting Him. It's all I can do, in whatever situation I am in. He will take me by the hand and lead me to a better place in Him. But why is it so hard?

I am so in need of a Savior. I think more now than years ago when I was making bad choices and ruining my life. I am reminded daily of His amazing love for me; through a sunset (which are incredible in AZ, by the way), through the sweet affection of my children, a thoughtful act from my spouse. God reminds me in His word that is powerful, full of life, and doesn't return to Him void. I am reminded in the songs I sing, the sermons I hear, the conversations I have with my fellow Christian brothers and sisters.

I am humbled that God loves me enough to not allow me to stay where I am. He will allow me to carry around my "box" of "stuff" for only so long and than, He gently and lovingly asks for it back. He wants me whole and healed. He wants me full of life and power. He wants me to be a walking, breathing testimony of Him. He wants me to come to terms with where I am and see that isn't where he wants me to stay. He wants me (and you) to fulfill ALL He has placed inside of us. I can't stand aside and say, "Why me?". I have to ask, "Why not me?". Than I have to be okay with the answer.

I am thankful for the place God has me in now. Do I understand it all? No, not at all. But, I know God's way is the best way. I have messed up too many times and tried to figure things out too often to keep striving for the answers I want. I just want to rest in my Father's arms, lean my head on His chest and breathe. Allowing Him to heal, soothe, repair, mend and whatever else needs to be done. He will take each item out of the box and together we will work through those things. And than when it is empty, we may need to open another. Or he may choose to wait until another time.

I know though, that no matter what, He will be right here with me. He will help me to arrange, throw out, display, etc. whatever is there. I am not alone, and for that I am so very thankful.

Learning to lean....

The other morning I woke up to the chorus of an old church song running through my head. Some of you may know it; "Learning to lean, learning to lean. I'm learning to lean on Jesus. Finding more power than I'd ever dreamed. I'm learning to lean, on Jesus." It has been running through my head over and over, reminding me of the importance of leaning on Him. It is something I struggle with. I feel I can do such a better job with working things out in my life. Even though I know deep down that is far from the truth. Daily I must lay down my dreams and ambitions and trust that God knows what He is doing. I must let go of those things I continue to hold on to, allowing God to do His "thing." He has shown me time and time again that He IS faithful, that He works all things out for my good, that He knows me better than I know myself.

Before we left Washington state, we attended church with my husbands aunt and uncle. The pastor there prayed for our family and encouraged me to continue in my journey with God, and to just relax. God has it all under control. I have held onto that. When I get anxious, upset, frustrated, I try to take a step back and relax. Granted, it hasn't come easily. But I want it to become an instant reaction instead of me freaking out about things. I have a long way to go people.

Jillian Michaels says that "trying is setting yourself up for failure". So I will not "try" to remind myself of God's promises, I will do. I will turn to His word. I will remember those scriptures I have memorized through the years, the ones that were embedded in my heart when I was a child. I will stop trying to trust and just do it. Even though it really scares me. Sounds funny huh? To be afraid to trust in the One who created us. But I will do it. I will stop making excuses for myself and move forward in what God has for my life.

I believe we are on a new adventure, as I have shared in the past. I believe God has us in this region for a reason. I believe God has directed and ordered our steps this far and He will continue. I believe He has some amazing ministry opportunities for us. I believe they involve daily relationships with people and being a light in this city. He has already blessed us with a strong support group here and the opportunity to work with some amazing people. He has also given us opportunities to meet some great people.

He is setting us up. That's what He does... He sets us up, not for failure but for success. So, with this in mind, I will continue in learning to lean on my Savior.

"I've thrown myself headlong into Your arms - I'm celebrating Your rescue. I'm singing at the top of my lungs, I'm so full of answered prayers. " Psalm 13:5,6 MSG

Enjoying the journey

A week ago today my family and I left Washington state and began our journey to Arizona. Before we left a friend told me to enjoy this journey we were embarking on. He reminded me of this along the way. It was a good trip in spite of little situations that tried to throw us off course. But God is so good and He got us here safely. We stayed with some friends along the way and reconnected, we saw some amazing farmland and grew a deep appreciation for all the farmers who grow our produce. We experienced being in LA traffic at rush hour. "Whew!" What an adventure! I had some amazing conversations with my kids and we made memories along the way. We reached our destination early Friday morning and crashed for a few hours.

Our time since has been full of making new friendships, meeting new people and building upon friendships we started on our visit in May. I have enjoyed the time of fellowship and relaxation before our lives get busy once again. We have experienced some pretty intense weather and yet I am told it will only get hotter! Help me Jesus!! We have enjoyed some good family time at the pool and taking walks or just hanging out in the evenings.

I am looking forward to this new and different season in our lives. We have a lot to learn about desert living. But are looking forward to enjoying the new experiences. I realize our "journey" didn't stop once we got here, it has continued.

A few years ago, God gave me a scripture that I really clung to. He reminded me of it last night. Isaiah 51:3 says, "For the Lord will comfort Zion, He will comfort all her waste places; He will make her wilderness like Eden, And her desert like the garden of the Lord: Joy and gladness will be found in it, Thanksgiving and the voice of melody." I am looking forward to the Lord making my wilderness like Eden, my desert like His garden. He said that joy and gladness would be found in my garden, along with thanksgiving and new songs. I say, "Do it Lord!" I am ready for the change and the growth. I am ready for a new season and whatever it holds. (You may need to remind of this later ;) I realize it won't always be easy, fun, "sunny". But God has promised me a peace and joy, He has promised me a beautiful garden. He has promised me a new song to sing. So I lift my hands high, I raise my voice and I proclaim His goodness and love to all the earth.

Let me leave you with Isaiah 51:3 in the Message, "Likewise, I, God, will comfort Zion, comfort all her mounds of ruins. I'll transform her dead ground into Eden, her moonscape into the garden of God. A place filled with exuberance and laughter, thankful voices and melodic songs."

Be blessed and enjoy the journey, whatever it is, that God has you on!

It all matters

Last weekend my husband and I took a trip to the Phoenix, AZ area. We led worship at a great church, met some amazing people and had some wonderful time to ourselves. We enjoyed the sun and even the heat. Sounds crazy, but living in Alaska for 10 years makes you appreciate warmth from the big yellow thing in the sky. (My AK friends know what I'm talking about). After being there and connecting with the church that we were ministering in, we made a big decision to move our whole family. We will be helping a growing church in the Phoenix area leading worship and connecting with the community. I am excited, overwhelmed, ecstatic, blessed, in awe and sad to leave the friends I have made here. So many emotions and feelings.

I recognize that our lives will be changing in so many ways. Yet, some things will stay the same. I will miss the green and lush vegetation of the northwest. I will miss the coolness, the marked seasons, the rain. But I look forward to the beauty I will find in the terrain of the desert. I look forward to the new friendships that will be formed, the ministry that will take place and the sweet memories that will be made. I look forward to my kids discovery of something new, the friends they will meet and the growth that will take place in their lives.

As a family we have weathered some storms. I realize those storms are all a part of God building us and shaping us into more of Him. I am excited to see how God will use those situations so we can minister to others and encourage them.

This morning as I was getting ready for the day I put on a song from Deluge. It is called "Worshiping You". As I listened to the words and took some time to really meditate on them, I was struck by the simplicity of my relationship with God. He desires me to give it all to Him, to trust Him and to allow Him to love me as I fall more and more in love with Him. The chorus says, "Here I am, worshiping You. With all I am, worshiping You. Bowing down, in Spirit and truth. With lifted hands, worshiping You." I thought, yeah Lord, here I am. Here I am with all my fears, my dreams, my hopes. Here I am with all my insecurities, doubts, unbelief. Here I am with all that is in me. Everything.... holding nothing back, because You know Lord. You know it all. I bow down to You in surrender, not just physically but spiritually too. Lifting my hands, giving it all to You.

So tonight as I was in the car with my husband, complaining about a situation, God spoke to my heart and said, "Is this worship to me?" Ouch..... My worship to Him is more than lifted hands and singing from my lips. It is interaction with my family, helping my children, listening to my husband. It is washing dishes and folding laundry. Worship is respecting my husband, loving my children and being a good friend. It is honoring my parents and in-laws. Worship is living this life God has given me and pointing others to Him through my actions.

Another part of the song says, "I'm gonna worship You forever, I;m gonna worship You." If we really think about that, it is so mind blowing. We get to worship the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, FOREVER. Wow! What an honor.

As you go about your day, remember that it all matters to God.