A realistic view of Psalm 139

I have been struggling with my self image a lot lately. I realize that I am a child of the King and He created me, etc. But lately it has been a hard thing for me to really appreciate those things God has gifted me with and the way He has made me. I have actually struggled with this my whole life and am finally coming to terms with it. It isn't easy.... at all. I have a beautiful daughter that is entering that age of self discovery and where image is everything. I realize I am an example to her in this area. I want to be a healthy example and be her biggest advocate in who God created her to be.

This morning a young man read Psalm 139 at church. I was encouraged by God's truth and convicted by His love. I wanted to share with you what God says in His word. I pray it will encourage you in who God has created you to be.

"God, investigate my life, get all the facts firsthand. I'm an open book to you, even from a distance, you know what I am thinking. You know when I leave and when I get back; I'm never out of your sight."

God knows me better than I know myself. I can't hide anything from Him. Even if I tried, it doesn't work, because He knows it ALL. Kind of scary, yet when I realize that He loves me in spite of my flaws, my mistakes, my sin, it is liberating.

"You know everything I'm going to say before I start the first sentence. I look behind me and you're there, then I look up ahead and you're there, too- your reassuring presence, coming and going. This is too much, too wonderful - I can't take it all in!"

God knows what I am thinking good or bad. He knows what I am going to say even before it comes from my lips. Whether it is life or death in my tongue, He knows..... He is all around me. I can't get away from His presence. I am so thankful for this reassurance and promise I have from Him!

"Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit? to be out of your sight? If I climb to the sky, you're there! If I go underground, you're there! If I flew on morning's wings to the far western horizon, You'd find me in a minute- you're already there waiting! Then I said to myself, 'oh, he even sees me in the dark! At night I'm immersed in the light!' it's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you; night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you. "

There isn't any place I can go to avoid His spirit calling me. I have had times of dryness or loneliness, wondering where God was in my time of pain. Yet He was with me even than. He is with me in the "mountain top" experiences as well as the "valleys". Oh to trust Him more. I am immersed in His light even when things around me are dark, unclear and unsure.

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb."

God knew me from the very beginning. He knew me from conception. While I grew in my mother's womb, He shaped me; my personality, my quirks, my hopes, dreams, desires and than he shaped my body. He destined for me to have light brown hair, blue eyes, be 5'4 and wear a size 8 shoe. He created me to have curly hair and freckles.

"I thank you, High God- you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration- what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body, You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life prepared before even I'd lived one day."

I am so thankful for God and His breathtaking abilities in my life. He created me to worship Him body and soul. To lift my hands. dance, sing, shout, jump. He knows my inner most parts and yet He loves me. He sculpted me with His very own hands to bring glory to His name. He knew who my parents would be and that I would grow up in a small town in Va. He created me to ride my bike, pull weeds in the garden, play with my Barbies & baby dolls, sing to Olivia Newton John and the Bee Gees with a round hair brush. He knew I would love the color yellow and paint my room that color only to grow bored with it a year later. He knew I would have a sister 6 years older than me and that we wouldn't really be close until later in life. He knew that I would be a daddy's girl and later struggle in my relationship with him in my teen years. He knew what friends I would have and who would influence me. He knew the pains and joys I would experience throughout my school years. He knew I would struggle with weight issues my whole life. He knew I would compare myself to others and make poor choices at times. He knew I where I would attend college and who I would marry. He knew I would have 4 kids and move way too many times in my adult life. And yet through it all, God kept me in the palm of His hand and guided me each step of the way.

"Your thoughts- how rare, how beautiful; God, I'll never comprehend them! I couldn't even begin to count them- any more than I could count the sand of the sea. Oh. let me rise in the morning and live always with you! And please, God, do away with wickedness for good! And you murderers-out of here!- all the men and women who belittle you, God, infatuated with cheap god-imitations. See how I hate those who hate you, God, see how I loathe all this godless arrogance; I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred. Your enemies are my enemies!"

Lord how can I live in this world and not be affected by those who hate you and turn their backs on you? It hurts me to see others chose a life of full blown out sin. I pray I can be a light in this darkness and celebrate who You are in my life as a testimony to others.

"Investigate my life, O God, find everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I'm about; See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong- then guide me on the road to eternal life."

I love it God, that You will search me, investigate me, know all there is to know about me and you will guide me down the road of eternal life. I have nothing to fear. You know my heart and all that is in it and are willing to guide me down the right path as long as I am ready and willing. What an incredible God we have an opportunity to serve. It is a choice we each have to make for ourselves. I know my life has been so much better walking in His grace and love. I could have a life full of darkness, sin, anger, hatred. But I choose long ago that I needed a Savior. I am not perfect by any means. Daily I call upon Him to give me wisdom, to order my steps, to guide me. I want to know in my heart of hearts and walk in the confidence of God daily. I want others to know what I have walked through and know that God has been with me each step of the way;the good, the bad, the ugly. I realize I have a lot more growing to do in my relationship with Him. In that, I want to know and believe what His word says about me, His daughter. God isn't obsessed about my dress size, my current hairstyle or wardrobe. He isn't put off by the kind of car I drive, what part of town I live in or if I have a job at a particular place. No, all that matters to God is my relationship with Him and His relationship with me. Everything else will fade away, including my dress size. ;)

Our pool experience.

About a week ago my husband and I splurged and bought a pool for our family. My husband found a great deal, we had been looking for one and we snatched it up. We ordered it online and kept it a secret from our kids. We were so excited! Daily we were checking our email to see if it had shipped yet, when it had shipped, estimated time it would be here, where it was, etc. We would talk in veiled terms if the kids were in the room and give each other knowing grins. All we told the kids was that we had a surprise for them and would receive it soon.

Yesterday our "package" arrived. I hid it in the garage and told the kids when they got home they couldn't go out there. I gave some lame excuse and thankfully they were okay with it. My husband came home early from work and worked a little on our yard out back, leveling off the area the pool would go. It was hot and we were sweating, but we didn't care. This was for our kids and we were excited to get started!

Since we had worship rehearsal last night we weren't able to set the pool up until after we got home, which was around 10pm. My husband and I are both night owls by nature so we were okay with this for the first hour or so. But getting up at 6am catches up with you pretty quick. Still we forged ahead and were determined to see the project complete.

We got the tarp laid out and set the pool on top. We than had to inflate the ring around the top. So my husband got his air compressor only to find that it wouldn't work. I dug around in the garage for our air mattress pump, found it, but couldn't use that because the batteries were dead. Unfortunately we didn't have any extra D batteries lying around. (Who does?, No, really) Still, we were not to be deterred. We both took turns blowing up the ring ourselves. Yes, we used the breath God gave us to blow up a very BIG ring at the top of the pool. I guess it's a good thing we sing because I was able to take some REALLY deep breaths. I kind of wish we would have recorded us setting this up, I know it was hilarious.

During all of this my kids are sound asleep, we are trying to be as quiet as we can outside so we don't disturb our neighbors and we are trying not to pass out. We were finally able to fill the pool with water, which was going to take about 4 hours. This would put us to bed at 2:30 am with both of us getting up just 4 hours later. Still, we pushed through the tiredness and frustration to have it ready in the morning so the kids could see it before school.

As we were going through this whole process I had a "revelation." My husband and I wanted to bless our kids and surprise them with something we knew they would enjoy so much. We couldn't wait to see their faces and looks of surprise at what we had done for them. My kids would not know what we had gone through to set it up. They wouldn't know about the late night, loss of sleep, blowing the ring up by hand, no batteries, etc. All they would know was that mom and dad surprised us and "I can't wait to get home from school so I can swim."

God does stuff for us that is such a blessing and so incredible and yet we have no idea what He had to do to bless us. We have no clue the things He had to rearrange, move out of the way, reroute to get us to a place of blessing. He is always working on our behalf, even when we are sleeping and yet we have no clue. We have no idea what He gave up to give us the best and greatest blessing of all.... eternal life. We may have a glimpse of the pain and agony He experienced, but to fully know? I don't think so.

God's love for us far surpasses any love we have ever felt. His love brings us back again and again. His love leads us, surrounds us, encompasses our very being. I love my kids so much and yet to realize God loves me, them, us so much more is mind blowing. And just like we want to bless our kids; will sometimes make great sacrifices for them, will stay up late for them, will protect and provide for them, will accept them for who they are..... God does it for us even more. Oh, how He truly... deeply.... madly.... incredibly.... loves us.

Amazing God!

God is amazing! He truly is. And I hate to admit it, but I don't always see how amazing He really is. The thing is, God will amaze me in different ways than He will amaze you. Why? Because we are all unique and individual in our ideas, thoughts and ways to be amazed.

I am a pretty simple person, grew up in a small town, have mostly lived in small towns, so I am amazed by pretty much anything..... Well ok, maybe not anything, but I think you get my point.

The other day, my husband and I went to buy a dining room table. Pretty uneventful task. We had some coupons we were hoping to use so we didn't have to pay full price, we had saved up our money and were prepared to finagle if need be. We found out once we got there, that we could only use one of the coupons. But my husband found an old sticker on the table that was $50.00 cheaper than the original price. So we pointed that out, used one of our coupons and went home. We went to put the table together and a huge corner piece had broken off. So, we called the store, took it back and they proceeded to give us another 5 % off. We actually paid less total than using the other two coupons we had and we still have those to use! See! Isn't God amazing???

Today we woke up to a rain storm. My kids were in heaven; outside running around barefoot, jumping in puddles. Then my boys decided to go in our back yard, which is dirt and have a mud fight. I stood safely inside, looking out the window and watched as they laughed, ran, jumped in a huge mud puddle and literally covered themselves with mud. It was so fun to see them have a wonderful time, making a fun memory. To me another of God's amazing gifts.

Tonight we had the opportunity to have some new friends over. I spent my afternoon cooking, cleaning and enjoying the preparation of having company. I was so thankful for my kitchen and space that I now have to entertain friends and host gatherings. I didn't realize how much I missed all that until later. I was again amazed at God's goodness for blessing us with a beautiful home to enjoy and a safe neighborhood to live in.

I look at my sweet kids and am amazed at how they are growing and becoming such interesting and unique people. I watched my oldest son tonight as he talked and interacted with the adults. I loved his facial features and the look in his eyes as he got excited about a story he was telling. I am amazed at how my daughter is able to befriend anyone and make them feel special. I am amazed at how my middle son is growing and learning to be a young man. And I am amazed at my youngest son's love for me. I love how he will come in from outside and be hot, sweaty and breathing hard but he will come and give me a hug or a kiss, just to let me know he loves me. An amazing reminder of God's love for me. :)

My husband amazes me with his music abilities. Just tonight he sat down and played the keyboard, working through some music for Sunday. Our home was filled with a sweet presence and peace. God came in and ministered to my heart.

God amazes me in a million ways! He amazes me with His love and His goodness. He amazes me with His faithfulness, His grace. He amazes me with His word. He amazes me in that He knows me, created me, sees the deepest parts of me and yet....He loves me still. He amazes me with His patience, His provision. He is incredible and mind blowing and super. He sees me in my struggles, knows my strengths and pushes me towards discovering them myself.

God has given me an amazing life. I don't always appreciate it or see it. But He really has. He has given me opportunities that I couldn't have experienced on my own. He has opened doors for me that are mind-blowing. He has allowed me to travel all over the world, meet some awesome people, minister in some rough places and yet see the glory of His presence. He allowed me to attend a Spirit led Bible college and learn first hand the reality of living a faith filled life. He has blessed me with an incredible husband who loves God, me and our sweet children. He has given me four amazing kids that constantly teach me about the Father's love. He has allowed me to live in some of the most beautiful places in the world; from the Blue Ridge mountains of Va., to Kodiak Island Ak. From the majestic mountain ranges of interior Alaska to the bustling city of Seattle and than the beautiful, vast landscape of the desert. I don't always "get" the plan of God. But I am open to His way. I am willing for Him to amaze me, blow my mind and bless my socks off! Even if it is in ways that seem impossible or make no sense.

I choose to trust, to stand and to be amazed in His presence.

"Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him. How I've proved Him o'er and o'er. Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus. oh for grace to trust Him more....."